Progress
by c.guerra
Summary: They thought they could handle whatever life threw at them. Sometimes life proves that pride isn't what gets you through the trials
1. Stranger

Stranger

The man I look at isn't my father  
Though I have the shape of his lips, his freckles  
The similarities are alien in his face  
He's a stranger

My tears are not for the loss of him  
I can't cry for someone I don't know  
I cry for the past that I never had  
I cry for myself

If I stayed tough, nothing could touch me  
If I stayed away, I'd have nothing to lose  
I can't miss someone I never knew

I blame myself for being too tough  
Too cold  
Too distant to reach  
I blame myself for holding a grudge against him

Yet despite this guilt I can't help but hold onto everything  
His absence in my future  
His neglect in my past

In the back of my mind I ask why  
He never cared  
What made me impossible to love  
I struggle with the inferiority inherent in me  
Because of him

But I'll never get to ask him these questions  
The man I lost was a stranger  
So why does it hurt so bad?


	2. Prologue

Prologue

Everything was so much easier when we were kids. We were taught what was right and wrong, because then, those were the only options. Either we did what was good or what was bad. What we didn't learn is that life really isn't like that. No one decides who is right and who isn't. Being a good person doesn't mean anything, because good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to good people. So what's the point of being good when you suffer like a bad person suffers? Maybe being good despite this knowledge somehow saves you.


	3. Chapter One

Chapter One

Thump. _What the hell was that_? I thought to myself, as I slowly uncurled myself from my position at the end of the couch. There was my best friend Tyler, lying on the floor and laughing like an insane person. "It's not that funny. By the way, dumbass, you should've saved the food before you hit the floor." Said his brother, Nathan, sitting in his usual position at the other end of the couch, holding a huge plate of spaghetti.

"What time did you get in?" I asked, still groggy from my sudden company. "Around six. You were knocked out."

"I guess. Is there any food left? I'm starving."

"Whatever Ty didn't squash is on the table." He was looking at his younger brother, his hazel eyes regarding him with skepticism and fondness at the same time. While I was growing up, I always thought of Nathan as a grizzly bear; he was big and cuddly to the people he cared about, but if you pissed him off he'd make you pay. Luckily, I was lucky enough to never have that temper turned on me, and for that I was grateful. I got up and got a plate of pasta and some pizza. Tyler recovered his composure and now the two brothers were yelling at the TV. "What the hell! Can I get an offensive foul? Are you blind ref?" Apparently there was a game on. Not in the mood for basketball, I retired to my room. While staring at my quilted comforter, I let my mind drift to other things.

________________________________________________________________________

June 2001

Dad was staring at me in this way that he had, as if he was trying to say he loved me but also saying that that love couldn't change anything. But his eyes held something else: defeat. This was the man that said he would be there for me. I remembered when I was five and thought that my dad was some sort of superhero, simply because we always had our Friday nights, parked in front of the TV, eating huge bowls of macaroni and cheese and watching whatever sports game was on. It was simple back then. He promised me that he wouldn't let anything bad happen, but there he was, six years later, not even close to fulfilling his promise. Instead, he was telling me that he had to go, he was sorry he had to leave me on my birthday, but he had to take care of something and he was sure that Tyler's family would take good care of me. He promised that he would be back, and that he loved me. I was eleven, not stupid; I already knew that he wasn't coming back. I knew he was giving up. Since Mom died, our macaroni Fridays were over and he couldn't even bear to look at me anymore, we never said more than two words to each other for weeks. Yet despite the fact that he was leaving, I didn't feel anything. Not sadness, fear, anger, nothing. Zero. Just an understanding, and an acknowledgement that my life wasn't going to be the same.

A loud knock came at the door, breaking me from my memories. "What?"

" You alright? You seem weird. You didn't even take a bite out of your food. Knowing you, you would've been down for seconds by now." Tyler tilted his head and cocked an eyebrow, daring me to try and lie to him.

"I don't know. I'm just, I don't know. Lots of homework, work, you know."

"You're having a lot of days like that."

"I know, I just…" I trailed off, hoping that he'd let me drop the subject and forget about trying to explain. He didn't, and just kept staring at me. Something came together in his head, and he read my mind, as usual.

"I get it. Father-daughter dance is coming up. Val, your dad was a good guy, and you know that he loves you. He just couldn't take it anymore, so he bailed. Don't blame yourself just because he couldn't cope." I shrugged; it had the essence of multiple conversations in the past. I understood what he was saying, but I couldn't bring myself to believe him. He was being naïve.

"C'mon. You don't have to be all tough with me, ok? I've known you since we were in diapers. Don't think that I believe you when you smile and say that nothing is really wrong." _Damn him. Is he just trying to be all smart to annoy me?_ I hated that he was way more perceptive than a guy should be.

"Whatever. I'm over it. Can we drop this and talk about something else?"

Nate's head poked into my room. "Hey guys, gotta meeting. Which tie looks better?" He held up a black and silver striped tie and a plain red one.

"Stripes."

"Alright. Later."

We heard him start up his car and pull out of the garage. Tyler plopped himself on my bed with his arms behind his head, and looked up at me with his deep brown eyes, with a very serious look on his face. Something that seemed so out of place for a face made for smiling all the time. "You can cry, you know. If you ever needed to. I wouldn't laugh." I hit him in the face with a pillow. "Right. You'd just hold it over my head for the rest of eternity."

"Yup." We stayed there in companionable silence. This was one of the things that made us best friends. We were comfortable with silence. It was really annoying when people tried to cover the silence by talking about nothing. After a while, he got up and kissed my forehead. I looked up at him and wished I could tell him thanks for noticing, for caring. But being me, I just gave him a small smile. I never could tell people how much I appreciated things, or how much I cared about them. It's a good thing he knew me well enough to know what I was thinking. He nodded and left my room, leaving me to lay back and stare at the ceiling. I didn't understand this. Why wasn't I over it yet? It had been six years, so it shouldn't still be lingering in my mind. I was starting to think that maybe this was one thing that I wouldn't ever get over. Maybe it isn't so much getting over it, but learning to live with it. Living with a tiny piece that would always wonder why I wasn't important enough to make him stay. I sank back into bed, the thoughts gnawing at me, and fell into a reluctant sleep.


	4. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

"I'm coming!" The clock read 7:15 a.m. Why was he in such a hurry? School didn't start for another hour. I rushed down the stairs anyway, my curiosity getting the best of me. "Damn, Valerie, take the whole morning."

"What's your problem? We're not gonna be late. Wanna tell me why you're yelling at me? I don't think I've had the time to piss you off, since I haven't even seen or spoken to you in the hour I've been awake."

"I just have something to do, alright?"

"What? Do some extra credit before school? Clean up trash? Go skip through the daisies with Aly?" I joked.

Surprisingly, he snapped at me. "Why do you have to be so nosy? I just got stuff to do. Just get ready so we can go."

I was somewhat caught off guard by this attitude that he was in for the past two weeks, but I let it go, hoping he would explain when he was in a better mood. I swear, sometimes guys seemed to be PMSing more than girls. We ate a quick breakfast and then drove to school in silence, with loud music to drown out the fact that we weren't talking to each other. I could tell he was tense by the way that he was gripping the steering wheel, but I figured it was better not to press him, just in case he decided to blow up on me again. What was with him? He was starting to worry me; he usually wasn't this serious. Out of the two of us, he was always the happy-go-lucky one, cracking jokes and just kind of bouncing around all the time. I hated this. It seems corny, but he's one of those people who break your heart when they're sad, just because it doesn't happen that often. I couldn't remember the last time he'd been so quiet; the silence made the car ride seem like an eternity, despite the fact that the school was just ten minutes away from our house. I just stared out the window, trying not to worry.

When we finally got to school, he parked and got out of the car. Finally acknowledging me, he stuck his head into my side of the car. "I'll cya later. Don't trip, ok?" I nodded and he turned and walked to the blacktops. If only it was that easy. I slowly got out of the car and walked to my locker. I was so distracted that I had to do my combination twice before getting it right. I was balancing my books and my backpack when a loud voice came from somewhere above my head.

"Hey."

"Jeez." I sighed, picking up my book. "You scared me Jase." He opened my locker wider to look at himself in my mirror.

"Did I cut myself shaving or something? I thought I looked good today." I rolled my eyes. With his six foot two frame, golden hair, and green eyes, he looked every bit the handsome all American boy next door. I just hated that he knew it.

"I just wasn't paying attention. What's up?"

"Nothing, really. Where's Ty?"

"I don't know. He was acting really weird this morning. We got here at 7:30. He went to the blacktops and he didn't tell me anything. Do you know why? I'm kinda getting worried."

"He's probably just having a bad day or something."

"Maybe."

Jason shrugged. "I don't know. He'll be alright. Don't worry about it."

We both knew that I would worry, but I just nodded, trying to be nonchalant. "I guess. Well, I'm going to class. Later." When I got to English, everyone was crowded at the teacher's desk, turning essays into the basket. I got my paper out of my backpack and waited for the group to clear.

"Hey Val. How was your weekend?"

"Not bad, you?" She tried to put on a fake-cheery smile, but I could tell by the look on Alyson's face that her weekend was anything but good. "Too much drama. I don't want to deal with it." I noticed that there were purple rings around her eyes, as if she didn't sleep more than four hours the whole two days.

"Is everything ok?" I hated myself for it, but I was hoping that the drama was with Tyler. If it was, maybe I could help. They worked well together, and she was probably his only girlfriend that I liked because she didn't throw a fit about a girl being his best friend. Maybe fighting with Alyson was what made him so edgy the past few weeks.

"Yea, I'll be ok." It was too bad she was such a bad liar. I was going to talk to her some more, try to figure it out, but the teacher decided to actually do some teaching today. The next three classes passed with no thought-worthy moments. I made my way toward the cafeteria, got my food, and sat at our usual table, waiting for the usual crowd to show up. Chris and Benny were arguing about something, and once again, Jayna and Monica came to the table, fighting about nothing, like they always did. It seemed like they just did it to amuse themselves and keep them from killing someone out of simple boredom.

"Shut the hell up! You don't know what you're talking about."

"Whatever bitch! Whatever, a-huh, whatever, you're being stupid."

"You're the one who thinks you're all that just coz you got some dude's number. Acting up like you're better than everyone."

"No I'm not. You're imagining things. I mentioned it once." I noticed Tyler and Alyson eating at another table across the cafeteria. This wasn't strange, since they didn't eat with us all the time, but there was something strange about the way they were interacting with each other. They didn't seem to be talking, they weren't even looking at each other. _Why does it seem like it hurts for them to even make eye contact? They can't be in a fight, otherwise they wouldn't be sitting together. But why are they forcing the relationship if they're mad at each other? _I tossed around those thoughts, completely forgetting that I was sitting with other people. I felt a tap on my arm.

"Val, you're not hungry?" I looked up at Monica, who was looking at me with an intense gaze. I looked down at my untouched food.

"I guess not." She looked like she wanted to ask me more questions, but thought better of it and returned to the conversation that I didn't bother engaging in. The bell rang and we all went to our classes. I spent the rest of the day thinking about what could be going on with Tyler. It wasn't like him to get all moody without saying anything to me. It felt unnatural, since we were brutally honest with each other. I walked out to the parking lot only to find that the car was gone. _What the fuck is going on? First he cops attitude and now he's leaving me? He could have at least texted me or something. _I debated walking, but thought better of it when I saw Jason walking to his car. I called to him, and he gave me a surprised look. "Hey, what are you still doing here? Waiting for me?"

"No, Tyler disappeared. Do you mind giving me a ride?" He nodded, and I silently promised to kill Tyler when I got home. Once I got into the house, I could hear loud rap music blaring out of his room. I knocked on his door, nervous about how he might react.

"What?"

"Ty, it's me. Can I come in?"

"I don't care."

"So does that mean that I can decide?"

"Whatever." I pushed open his door to find him on his bed, lying on his stopmach, staring at the floor.

"What do you want?"

"An explanation. Why have you been so weird for the past few weeks? I'm worried. The only other time you were like this was when…well, not for a long time. What's up?"

"Nothing. I'm just not in a good mood, ok? Why does everything need to be explained?"

"It doesn't." I felt defeated. Afterall, he didn't have to tell me if he didn't want to. But I felt like I had a right to know. It wasn't fair that he was keeping me out like this, so I sat on his floor and waited.

"So…are you leaving?"

"Whatchu up to tonight? Hanging with Alyson?"

"Why do you care?"

"Just curious, that's all. No need to be defensive." He immediately got upset at this.

"I'm not being defensive, you're the one horning in on my business."

"Can I help that I'm worried? For the past few weeks you've talked to me with as many monosyllabic words as you could. Not to mention the cold shoulder. If I did something to you, I wish you'd tell me so that I could stop worrying."

"You didn't do anything."

"Then why are you being such an asshole to me? It seems like I'm the only one you're being messed up to." I made a mental note to ask him about Alyson later.

"You can be moody, can't you? So why can't I?" I backtracked a little, I didn't want to start a fight over something I didn't understand, so I lowered my voice when I responded.

"I didn't say you couldn't. I just—"

"Just shut the fuck up!" _Whaaat? I know he did not just say that. _"You know what? Forget it. If you're gonna be like that and yell at me when all I'm doing is trying to figure out what's going on, then I'm leaving. Forget I even cared."

"Don't give me that innocent shit and try to put me on a guilt trip. Close the door on your way out." _Fine, be like that._ I got up, obviously, this conversation was going nowhere, and getting into a fight with him wasn't going to get him to talk to me. I stalked out of his room and slammed the door, then slammed my own door closed behind me. Why was he being so cold? Didn't he know that I just cared about him? It seemed to me that he was being selfish. He couldn't treat me like this. This was the last thing I needed to worry about. I thought back to when we were little. We were both three, and I had moved in next door. His mom made us a welcome to the neighborhood pie and she and my mom hit it off right away. We were friends since that first day of hide and seek. After that, we went everywhere together, and our friendship didn't even suffer from that whole cooties affair. We were constantly in and out of each other's houses, and always present at the other's family affairs. His family was my family, and mine his. Tyler was and is the only thing that I was ever sure about in my life, the person that I could always depend on, which made his weird behavior such a shock. Sure, we yelled and cussed at each other all the time, but this wasn't the same. I never saw such annoyance and anger behind those usually twinkling brown eyes. I deduced that his hostile attitude was just to make sure I didn't know anything. He was hiding something, and he didn't want me to figure it out.


	5. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

What the fuck was her problem, thinking she could come into my room and demand an explanation. The truth? Fuck the truth. I turned the letter over and over in my hand. I knew that she didn't deserve the attitude I was giving her, but if I didn't, she'd see through my act for sure and get it out of me. She already knew that I was hiding something. At least this way I could get her mad and buy some time to think about what I was going to do. I knew it was an invasion of her privacy, but when I saw who the letter was from, I couldn't help it. She didn't need this, not when she was everything was going good. I read the letter over for the umpteenth time.

Valerie,

I'm currently living in Los Angeles, in the same building as your Aunt Nita, and I hope that everything is going well and that Tyler's family is giving you the love and the support that you deserve. I know it's been six years since I've last seen or spoken to you, but I want you to know that I still love you, and I hope my absence did not lead you to think otherwise. Although I am hardly in the position to make demands, I hope that you will consider my request.

I need you to come to Los Angeles. I miss my little girl, and although I know I can't make up for the time we lost, it would be good to at least try and make amends. You can contact me via e-mail or phone, it's the same number.

Best wishes and hope to see you.

Love,

Your father

I crumpled it up and threw it across the room. How was I going to tell her? How was I going to fess up and tell her that I stole her mail? That I had it for weeks? I mentally kicked myself in the head for being an asshole to her. Part of me knew that her going to visit him would be good for her; it would give her some kind of closure. But the other part didn't want to tell her at all. She was going on without him just fine, why would she want to go see him and then lose him all over again? I didn't want to let her do that. I groaned and put my head in my hands. All of a sudden, my door flew open, and there she was, standing there.

"You know, just because you're in a bad mood doesn't mean you can be an asshole to me. And I know you're hiding something, so why don't you just tell me?" _Urgh. _After a long pause, I got up from my place on the bed and walked to the place I threw the letter.

" You got this in the mail a while ago. I wasn't sure if I should tell you." I watched as her eyes quickly scanned the letter. She read and re-read it, as if not believing her eyes. The whole time, I just stood there, feeling like an idiot. _What am I supposed to do? Sorry, Val, but I did it for your own good. She'd definitely smack me upside the head for that. _

"You had this for three weeks and you didn't bother to tell me? Is this why you're being so weird around me? What else have you been hiding, huh? Tell me!" I looked at her, with an awestruck expression, clueless.

I stuttered. " Uhh…I didn't know how you would react. I wasn't sure if you could take it." _Stupid! _The moment the words were out of my mouth, I knew she was going to get into a fit.

"You weren't sure if I could take it? We're not little anymore, Tyler. I think I'm old enough to handle this on my own. Jeez, you act like I'm some sort of porcelain doll. I don't break easy, you know."

"That's not it, and you know it. I know you can take it, I just meant that you shouldn't have to." She stared at me for what seemed like hours, until finally she moved. She slowly sunk to the floor, a defeated look on her face, still holding the letter. She looked up at me with pleading eyes, as if begging for a way out. I hated seeing her like this. Anger I could take, but not this.

The year after Valerie's mom died was the worst. She was like an empty shell, emotionless. She was there, but not really. Her laughing and smiles never reached her eyes. Then her dad had to go and leave her like that. He may as well have killed himself, because leaving by choice sure as hell didn't do him any good in my eyes. My mom looked at him with a 'you've got to be kidding me' look on her face. Even though she didn't approve of what he was doing she told him that she would take care of Val like one of her own. After her dad left, we went down to our favorite place in the park, a sort of circle of trees with a huge space in the middle. It was like a secret canopy, with years of tag, hide and seek, and secret missions. We laid on the ground, the top of my head to hers, our feet pointing opposite directions.

"Sorry about your dad."

"Why? You didn't make him go away."

"I know. But it's not fair. I wish I could get you another one." She cracked a small smile as a tear slid down her face. That was the first time that I had I ever seen her cry, and I hated it. I felt helpless, I couldn't bring her mom back, and her dad didn't deserve to be her dad. I didn't matter that I was only ten, all I knew was that someone hurt my best friend, and I hated him for it. I pulled out my Swiss Army knife and cut my left palm and hers. She didn't ask me any questions, she just looked at me with a vulnerable look in her eyes. I took her bleeding hand in my own, and held it tight.

"Repeat after me, but with your name. I, Tyler Stephen Corneille, solemnly swear to be the best friend you ever had, and our mixed blood makes us blood brothers."

"I, Valerie Jolene Ramos, solemnly swear to be the best friend you ever had, and our mixed blood makes us blood brothers." After that, I promised myself that I wouldn't let anyone hurt her like that again. Her voice brought me back to reality. "I can't believe this. All this time. Things are on track, and now this happens. I don't want to get my hopes up."

"I don't get who the hell he thinks he is, barging into your life like this, thinking that it's all good." She didn't respond. She just stared at the letter with a blank look on her face. I added, "But you know Val, it's on you. I mean, I'm not saying he deserves it, but if you think you should go…" I trailed off, seeing that she wasn't really in the mood to talk. I sat back down on my bed, my chin in my hands and looked at her. Was Valerie always this small? She sat on the heels of her feet, kind of slouched over, her black hair swinging forward and masking half of her face. I was completely helpless, I had no idea what to do. I knew she was tough, but I hated that fact being proved to me over and over again whenever fate decided to be a bitch. Why couldn't I keep my promise? It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I could never keep away the bad.

"I don't know if I want to face him, you know? I mean, sending a birthday card and a Christmas present every year doesn't make up for him not being here for like what, almost six years? He missed out on all the important days in my life. You know I tried to write him and e-mail him a few years ago, but he didn't even have the decency to write back…No. You know what, forget it. Why should I do this for him?" As I listened to her talk to herself, I could sense her making the pro-con list in her head.

"Whatever, screw it. I don't care anymore." She seemed to say it more to convince herself than me.

"You sure?" _You don't look like you don't care._

"Since when have you been his world's biggest fan?"

"I'm not. You just don't look so sure."

"Well, I say I'm not going. I wanted to yell at him for…but maybe… oh, whatever, I don't wanna fight about something that I don't care about." _Oh man, did I miss something? I have no idea what she's talking about. Fight with who? _I hate it when she talks in half sentences, so I just stayed quiet.

"So, is this why you've been so quiet? Because I don't think you should have wasted your time thinking about my dad."

"Yea. I just didn't know how to tell you." She tilted her head to the side and I knew she didn't buy it; not the whole thing being about her dad, anyway.

"Don't even start. I don't wanna talk about it."

"Why not? You opened my mail."

"Just…I'll tell you when I feel like, it, kay?" I hoping she'd drop the topic. I didn't want to bother her anymore, and she didn't need to know right now. It was my problem. I knew she would still be thinking about her dad and the letter. "Now that I don't need to think about what to tell you about your dad, I kinda wanted to sleep. I'm tired." She nodded. "Yea, sure."

She was probably thinking I wasn't telling her intentionally. I guess it's true, but I didn't want her worrying about something she didn't have to. I didn't like putting my stuff on her, and she knew that. It didn't stop her from prying though. But at the moment, I didn't really care if she was mad at me for keeping this away from her. This was one thing she didn't, and shouldn't have to think about. It was my thing. I plopped down on my bed and rested my head on my pillow.

When I woke up, it was dark in my room, the only source of light was from the lamppost out on the street, its brightness shining through my window. I turned on my lamp, got up, and stretched. I met Valerie halfway down the stairs.

"Oh hey, let's eat." I didn't like when she got like this. She was eerily calm, like an unfeeling robot. Trying not to analyze it too much, I followed her down the stairs and sat at the table next to her, along with my mom, dad, and Nathan. We were that kind of family that ate together all the time at exactly seven o'clock.

"So how was school?" My mom asked the usual question, and she got the usual answer from me and Val.

"Good." The rest of dinner went on with Mom and Nate talking about how work was going, and when he was planning to move out. Val sat beside me, silently cutting up her food into smaller and smaller portions and not really eating. I looked at my own plate and realized that it was still full. Thankfully, no one noticed, or if they did, they didn't pry. I couldn't stand it. I picked up my plate and went to put it in the sink.

"Sweetie, what are you doing? You're not hungry?" My mom asked.

"Uhh, yea. I ate a sandwich when I got home, so I'm not that hungry."

"Yea, so did I." I glanced at Valerie.

"Okay, well, if you two get hungry, there will be food in the fridge."

"Kay."

We silently dumped the remnants of our food into the trash. I could hear Val behind me as I went up the stairs, but I didn't turn around, and she didn't say anything. We closed the doors to our rooms and didn't say anything more to each other for the rest of the night.

"Hey Al." I lightly kissed her on the cheek.

"Hey." She was standing awkwardly by my side, and playing with her earring, a habit she had whenever she was nervous. This was killing me. I turned to face her.

"What is it, babe? Tell me." I asked softly touching her cheek and moving a stray brown curl behind her ear.

"I went to the doctor on Friday, and he said they need to run some more tests…" As she trailed off, she stopped looking at me and looked out onto the blacktop. I could see tears on the rims of her eyes. I didn't know what to say, so just pulled her into my arms. I couldn't believe this was happening. What was I supposed to say? It's going to be okay? I didn't know that. I wasn't sure of that. All I knew was that she needed me.


End file.
